How to make a choice to get divorced or not. How to make the right decision to divorce your husband

Empty marriage and sick relationships go nowhere. And it's not even about when there are constant conflicts in the family. I'm talking about a marriage in which everything seems to be fine, but for some reason there is no love and happiness.

Looking back, I came up with six signs that tell you it's time to get a divorce.

My story

My first marriage was a mistake. We were a dancing couple, falling in love, an unplanned pregnancy, a registry office. A common story. We were bound only by dancing, and after the birth of the child, we had to forget about them altogether. But I believed that our boat of love should keep afloat no matter what.

The marriage lasted five years, during which I periodically thought about divorce. Sometimes out loud. But the determination was lacking. Largely because outwardly everything was normal: we almost did not quarrel, did not live in poverty, the way of life stabilized over the years, the child was growing up. But there was nothing in common.

I was lucky. I met the man of my dreams and eventually realized that if I want to be with someone, then only with him. But if it doesn't work out, then I can no longer live in an empty relationship. Even if we had not met, I would still have come to the same decision, but later. There were calls.

We stopped talking to each other

At first we chatted a lot: where did you study, what do you do, how you look at the world, who are your parents and friends, what music you listen to, what books you read, what films you prefer to watch. At the stage of acquaintance, there is always something to talk about.

But over time, the topics have exhausted themselves. It became clear to both of them that there was nothing to discuss. Just like in the movie "What Men Talk About", when Camille reads an SMS from his wife: "Toilet paper. Bread. Milk".

Sometimes it was about views on life values... And here another problem arose. My husband is five years younger than me, and I turned out to be too experienced a partner for him in almost all spheres of life. As a result, the dialogue did not work - it was more like consultations. My husband was an intelligent and grateful listener, but I was getting more and more bored.

Output

Communication is the main component of any relationship.

You communicate most of the time. And this should be enjoyable for both.

If your partner looks in your mouth, and you are engaged in upbringing in life, over time you may get bored. If you are always in the position of an obedient student, someday you will want independence.

Communication should be mutually enriching. You should have a similar cultural background that you can build on together. When one constantly pulls the other along with him, or when people go their separate ways, the vital chatter gradually disappears.

We tried to stay out of the house longer

We spent most of the time apart, but somehow we did not strive to be together. It was normal for my husband to come after 9-10 pm. I fell asleep calmly when I put the child to bed. We could hardly meet until the weekend.

Saturday and Sunday were also spent in their own way. I walked with my son, tried to meet with my friends. The husband spent time at the laptop: study, work, films, games.

I used to tug at him and ask him to spend time with me. He reluctantly agreed. Then I left him alone. It was more comfortable for me myself.

The book will be useful for weak partners who feel dependent on their half and believe that the relationship is based only on them. You will understand why your partner is drawn to you less and less and you will learn how to become stronger, regain harmony and self-sufficiency.

The book will help leading people in a couple to figure out what happened in the relationship and where the former love and passion went. You will gain a better understanding of your companion's motives and learn how to help him become more independent and calm and stop holding you around him.

The book is about different forms of manifestation. Some feel love in the time they spend together, and some feel love through physical care and assistance. Someone small, but frequent gifts are ecstatic. In total, the author identifies five types: joint time, help, encouragement, touch and gifts.

Look among them for yourself and your soul mate. You may want to learn to love your partner the way they like best. The book will be useful to everyone who needs a good relationship not only with a loved one, but also with other people.

The meaning of the book is as follows: people tend to play social games. There are simple stroking games that everyone knows and is accepted in society. For example, I came from vacation, and you ask how I spent it.

There are more difficult and dangerous games - scenarios. A person unconsciously searches for his script and plays it out. They are inherent in us since childhood and are good (to become a doctor and save lives) and bad (saving the lives of others, not remembering about yourself, burned out at work and die at 35).

My scenario - if you get pregnant, you definitely need to marry the child's father, you can't get a divorce - you need to bring up a partner. I did not see other options for the development of events and went ahead to this marriage, as if carrying out a program. Only five years later, I ask myself: do I want to? Do I need it?

See a psychologist

Another way to harmonize relationships and life in general is to go to a psychologist. But it is better not together, but separately.

Psychologists do not tell you how to live, and do not give valuable advice about the toilet lid. They ask questions, help you look at the situation from different angles, put yourself in the other person's shoes and realize that something is wrong. You find the way out yourself.

Psychologists help to effectively deal with anxiety, fears and anger through various therapeutic practices, such as art therapy or sand therapy.

As a result, you will no longer be hurt by your spouse's unpleasant behavior, and you will learn to be happy and stable.

After that, you will have two options:

• your harmony will have a positive effect on your partner, the relationship will improve;
• you will understand that you no longer need this relationship, and will soon disperse.

When the only way out is to divorce

My first marriage became for me something like chickenpox, after which the body acquires immunity forever. Was this marriage unsuccessful? Yes, I was. Did I need such a relationship? Yes, we do.

We always attract only the right people... We learn next to them. And if we learn a lesson, then we become better. I needed a person with whom I would be a superwoman, to be proud of the severity of my life.

Then I grew out of these ideas, but the relationship itself did not change and ceased to suit me. And there was only one way out.

Divorce is not a sentence, but a correction of mistakes

We were not and could not be happy together. No one is to blame for this. My ex-husband is a wonderful man, decent, intelligent, attractive, he dances wonderfully. I treat him well and sincerely wish him happiness. I didn’t want to hurt him at all, although I understood that the divorce would be a tragedy for him. However, I didn’t shine next to him and eventually stopped trying.

For me, there was only one option - to disperse. Of course, it's a pity for the effort and time invested in the relationship. I was worried about my ex-husband, I was worried about how the divorce would be reflected.

I was not ready to sacrifice myself out of politeness and regret about the past, because it will not make anyone happy.

If you are walking somewhere for a long time and suddenly realized that all this time you were going in the wrong direction, you have two options: turn back or consciously continue walking in the wrong direction.

Divorce is not a disaster; people don't die from it. Divorce is about correcting mistakes. I admitted my mistake, forgave myself for it and happily live on.

A person was not always interested in the psychology of divorce. A hundred years ago, there were practically none. The condemnation by the church and by the people stopped most of the couples. But times are changing. People - young and not very young, and sometimes at a rather serious age, increasingly find themselves in this difficult situation.

Moreover, many find themselves on the verge of divorce unexpectedly and this "bolt from the blue" completely knocks the ground out from under their feet. And someone rushes about, not understanding what to do to save the family. Is it necessary in principle? If so, how to stay together with the person whom you loved more than life for so many years? But someone soberly judged that the relationship has become obsolete and it is necessary to put a logical end to it, but ... how?

In someone's families, it became unbearable to pull the "anchor" of the cohabitation of two clearly strangers. Of course, most people find it difficult to accept the very fact of a divorce - but one of the spouses has already made a decision ... For example, because the birth of a child is expected "on the side" and ... it is not clear what to do with all this for the second spouse ...

Some spouses intend to divorce with the least expenditure of emotions, including for the sake of their own children. And in an attempt to at least slightly ease the severity of suffering - after all, someone is really scared to be alone - we ask psychologists about divorce.

Psychologists themselves talk about divorce very covertly, and, in principle, this pragmatism is justified: how can you take responsibility for making such serious decisions for someone ?! Life is given once, and to be sure of advice to another - you know ... not always and correctly!

Divorce in psychology will always, more often schematically, be tied to the general concept of what a particular psychologist, to whom you will see, will understand by the word “divorce”. And it is certainly his (or her) experience that will certainly affect the recommendations you receive.

And if you seek help from those who have divorced, then those who have lived (how long ago, how recently) this cruel test of feelings with resentment, anger and envy, betrayal, meanness and deceit, the suffering of children, most likely, will give you all the same personal advice ... Where is the guarantee of the infallibility of such assistance ?! The psychology of divorce - will it work if it is given through someone else's perception of the world, and is this not the tragedy of such advice, even if the person really sympathizes with you and really would like to help.

In fact, all the problems of all divorces come down to a misunderstanding of each other. To insult (because of these misunderstandings) - voluntary and involuntary, the accumulation of perennial claims, expressed and unspoken, many times repeated and heard (or not), scandals and clarifications ...

System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan accurately distinguishes the internal mental properties of a person. The fact is that according to the System-Vector Psychology of Yuri Burlan, each of us is given by nature internal desires and they differ depending on the vectors, of which there are eight in total. Each vector assumes that its owner has a certain set of internal psychic properties. That is, we are all different, that's why we do not understand each other. No way.

Several sketches of such recognizable "psychotypes" by vectors

There are people for whom divorce is over-stress, and they would prefer to suffer their whole life not just in dislike, but even in hatred of their partner. Yuri Burlan's System-Vector Psychology calls such people the owners of the anal vector. Whatever arguments and arguments you give them, their stubbornness (stubbornness), complete lack of logic and intolerant attitude towards family breakdown, in principle, will not allow them to take a step towards change, even if divorce in their case would be a saving step. This is beyond their strength.

It is impossible to overcome the obsessive persistent desire of such a person to "start from scratch" of an obviously failed marriage. Clinging to the past, memories - this is how such a partner lives. He would never voluntarily agree to a divorce. You can cope with such a situation without unnecessary losses, make the right decision about whether to part with such a person or save the marriage, if you more deeply understand what drives him, what his desires and mental properties actually are.

Interestingly, it is such a person who is the best partner for marriage, provided that his mental properties are sufficiently developed and realized. "The best husband and father", "behind him like a stone wall", "ideal wife and mother" - all this is said about the representatives of the anal vector.

And someone else will put marital status in such an insignificant place, while glorifying "love" that, by preventing him from "living next to his beloved", you will face hysterics, and possibly even an attempt at suicide. Representatives of the visual vector can behave this way. Their tantrums, emotional blackmail are common steps in over-stress. If such conditions are recognized in time, this will avoid suicide attempts and will make it possible to agree in the end.

The system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan explains why after about three years there is a cooling of feelings in a couple. Everything that used to cause joy and affection begins to annoy and forces you to admit to yourself that you have chosen the wrong one. How so?! There was LOVE! There was such a craving! But after three years this natural attraction disappears. And if there is no emotional connection, we become unbearably bored together. Yes, it is possible to have time to create a strong emotional and spiritual connection, thanks to which to be "together until the grave", but more about this in the classroom on System-Vector Psychology of Yuri Burlan.

And we will return to divorce. There are also people with a skin vector who do everything in life very pragmatically. They know how to make money and, together with their status, put them at the forefront. Such people protect their interests by law, it is they who conclude marriage contracts, where they try, whenever possible, to foresee all the pitfalls. And what to do if you want to stay married with such a person ?!

You love him. You have children and many plans for the future. At the same time, its economy, pragmatism and round-the-clock work are completely unbearable for you! Yes, he does not walk on the sidelines, he honestly earns money and brings everything into the house, but ... why your partner behaves this way, you will hear already at the free training in Systemic Vector Psychology. How do we move such a person from within? What does he really want ?! What exactly did he mean when he said this and that? Why does he behave like that in sex ?!

All our mental differences are easily understood and determined by people who have mastered systems thinking in the classroom on system-vector psychology. And what is most important: at last we understand our own inner aspirations and meanings that move our life with you "from birth to shroud."

These discoveries of ITSELF amaze and amaze. Sometimes they shock, but at the same time they give the main thing: an understanding of the mental structure in every person. Determining the mental properties of the people around you, you will easily understand how exactly it is necessary to act in a particular adverse situation.

There will be no difficulties in making the best decision, including the decision to divorce or continue living together. Understanding yourself and your partner (and we always choose a partner with psychic properties different from ours - such is Nature!), You will analyze your situation and understand where, when and what mistakes you made.

It may well turn out that it is possible to "glue" a broken vessel without cracks. With a deeper understanding of yourself, you can easily change, if necessary, habitual behavior. Feedback from people after classes in systemic vector psychology shows how CONSCIOUSLY they make decisions. And they certainly never regret what they have done: http://www.yburlan.ru/results/all/otnoshenija-i-ljubov

After lectures on system-vector psychology, it becomes clear to someone how absurdly and mediocrely they lived (married or not) side by side with an inappropriate person. Years without meaning, without the fullness of the feeling of joy from life around. How sadly the days dragged on ... and that was instead of quite possible happiness. Anxiety states of despondency, meaninglessness of existence, even many psychosomatic diseases disappear.

Awareness of the INSIDE of yourself and your partner (spouse) is a good baggage for your future life, even if you decide to divorce, because life does not end with a divorce. The difference in mental properties you have mastered by vectors will become the key to the correct further choice in life ... You can finally follow the path set by nature. And this life will radically differ from the past, in which you and I were rather blind kittens.

You can register for free online lectures on systemic vector psychology by Yuri Burlan at the link: http://www.yburlan.ru/training/

The article was written using materials from trainings on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan

When is divorce going through the courts? These cases are indicated in Article 21 of the Family Code of the Russian Federation:

• have minor children (common, relatives or adopted);
• the husband or wife refuses to end the marriage;
• one of the spouses refuses to apply or does not appear at the registry office.

How does a divorce take place through court

Who is eligible for judicial divorce

1. Any of the spouses.
2. The spouse's guardian, if the court has declared the spouse incompetent.
3. Prosecutor. He can file a lawsuit when it is required based on the interests of an incapacitated or missing person.

According to the Law "On the Prosecutor's Office of the Russian Federation", the prosecutor can act as a plaintiff in a civil case, since he protects the rights of people.

A husband cannot file a claim without the consent of his wife if she is pregnant or a year has not passed after giving birth, even if the child was born still or died before a year (Article 17 of the UK).

Such exceptions were made in order to preserve the health and nerves of the mother and child, since legal hardships negatively affect their well-being.

Which judge to apply to

There are world and federal judges. Each of the categories is competent to conduct the process only under certain conditions. The difference between the categories is in form and status. With federal judges more rigorous in professional demand, these ministers of Themis are considered more competent in matters.

If both spouses agree to divorce, they have no disputes over children, you need to go to the magistrate. If the spouses argue about children or about property, then they need to go to the district court with a claim, federal judges hear cases there (Articles 23-24 of the Code of Civil Procedure of the Russian Federation).

Motives for divorce in court

Divorce by court is considered possible when the court establishes for sure: the family has broken up, the further life of the spouses is not possible (Article 22 of the UK).

The Family Code does not specify the motives for divorce.

Most often, among the reasons they call: infidelity of spouses, gambling addiction, alcoholism, drug addiction, sexual dissatisfaction, mismatch of vital interests, disagreements on financial issues, non-compliance with the terms of the marriage contract.

Spouse against divorce

If a couple agree divorce through a court, then the court dissolves such a marriage without finding out the reasons for the divorce (this is stipulated in Article 23 of the UK).

If the plaintiff does not inform the court of the reason breaking off the marriage relationship, the court may temporarily stop the claim. But not to refuse, but only to offer reconciliation, and give three months for this (Article 22 of the UK). If the spouses have settled the conflict, the proceedings are stopped. In this case, any of the spouses can again file a claim, then the court returns to the consideration of the case and makes a decision.

If a someone from a pair against, the plaintiff must describe in detail the reasons that made him go for divorce, tell why the marriage broke up, what exactly prevents it from being restored. The court, having studied the materials, decides whether it is possible for this couple to live together in the future.

Evidence in such a case may be the offenses committed by the party (cruel treatment, violence, insults):

• witnesses (the plaintiff must apply to summon witnesses);
• written evidence (certificates from the trauma center about beatings, police records) - they are attached to the case.

Divorce in any case will end with a positive decision. The only difference will be in terms. If both parties agree, then the divorce will be obtained at the first hearing, if there is no consent, several sessions will be held.

How to divide children and property

Such issues are considered in parallel with the divorce proceedings. During the process, one or both parties can demand from the court and (or) indicate with whom of the parents the child should remain subsequently, how and to whom the alimony will be paid.

If there is an agreement on such issues or the spouses want to resolve these issues later, they can write in the claim that they have no disputes or describe in detail to the court the essence of the agreements reached.

You can read more about the features of divorce with children in.

Reconciliation and refusal to dissolve the marriage

The defendant has the right to petition to postpone the case for a while in order to enable the husband and wife to save the family. The court is accommodating and usually gives a time limit to resolve the conflict (up to three months).

When the judge himself decides to resort to this procedure (the plaintiff, for example, does not speak very confidently at the hearings), then this period can be shortened only if both the plaintiff and the defendant apply to the court with this request.

Naturally, the conciliatory period drags out the case. Even if the plaintiff considers such a procedure unnecessary, there is a positive moment for him: it will be more difficult to challenge the decision in the case in a higher court.

The plaintiff has the right to refuse to dissolve the marriage. It is valid until the court has retired to the deliberation room. The case ends with an amicable agreement, which can include property.

Refusal of a claim does not mean that it will not be possible to dissolve the marriage later. If the spouses' relationship deteriorates, you can sue again. The divorce case is terminated (and the marriage, accordingly, is preserved) if, after the expiration of the time period that the judge has allocated for reconciliation, the plaintiff does not come to the hearing.

Terms of registration of a divorce

On average, a divorce process will require two to four court sessions (if one party is against termination). If the parties agree, the decision is usually made at the first meeting.

The minimum term for a divorce is a month and 11 days. If the decision came into force earlier than this deadline, it will be illegal.

The average registration time when the spouses agree to divorce is one and a half months and 1.5-3 months if someone does not agree, sometimes more than 3 months.

Circumstances that affect the processing time:

• family law norms (divorce is carried out no earlier than a month from the filing of a claim);
• norms of the Code of Civil Procedure of the Russian Federation (provide a period for appealing a court decision before entry into force);
• the workload of the court and the degree of efficiency of the mail, which notifies the parties;
• complaints about the illegality of judicial actions (may increase the processing time by another 2 months);
• correction of errors and mistakes (increase the processing time by 1-3 weeks);
• inaction of any party.

The cost of divorce through court

It is stipulated in the Tax Code of the Russian Federation (Article 333.19, clause 5). At the beginning of 2018, it is 650 rubles.

Both spouses pay this amount if:

• there is their consent to break the marriage, no children (minors), no property disputes;
• divorce is carried out in court.

Divorce is a word associated with suffering, quarrels, and extremely negative emotions. Some of the women are so afraid of him that they tolerate literally any antics of their spouse, or they keep the marriage, convincing themselves that they have such a fate.

However, such fear in many cases is not justified - unhealthy relationships do not make any of the partners happy. Everyone has the right to respect, affection and care, and if the relationship has exhausted itself, and the hope for a normal life with a spouse is lost, a divorce would be a reasonable decision.

How to understand when it is time to divorce your spouse?

Many have heard the phrase “love lives for 3 years”. In fact, we are talking about crises in the life of a couple - the first, as a rule, occurs after 3 years of living together, the next after 7 years. Many families can cope with such a difficult period in life. Quarrels and the feeling that feelings have died out are not always a reason for breaking up a relationship.

However, do not confuse the discontent with the husband associated with the crisis with a real threat to marriage. There are a number of reasons why divorce is truly justified:

Emotional stages of family breakup

Breaking the bond is almost always difficult for both parties. No wonder they say that "divorce is a little death." Psychologists identify several emotional stages of breaking up a long-term relationship or marriage:

As practice shows, women are most often the initiators of the breaking of the marriage bond. Men prefer to play for time or wait for their partner to take the first step.

Before deciding on such a responsible step, a woman should weigh the pros and cons, discarding all emotions. The main advice of experts is not to forget about rationalism and common sense.

To understand yourself easier, you can use one of the psychological techniques, which is designed to unravel the most difficult problems, when the heart contradicts the mind. The technique "Cartesian Questions" is presented in the table.

If the feelings of the spouses are still warm, the divorce will be a torment for both. In this case, it is better to try to reconcile, overcoming misunderstanding and resentment. However, if habit or pity becomes an obstacle to breakup, the situation in the family can only worsen. In addition, being afraid to decide on a divorce, spouses deprive themselves of the chance to be happy separately.

Why can't you hold on to marriage for fear of hurting your child?

A child is one of the main reasons women hesitate to divorce. However, such a sacrifice of the mother is not always justified in relation to the children themselves.

If there are difficulties in the couple's relationship, it is worth making sure that quarrels and tension do not harm the little family members. Parents may not show their dislike in front of the baby, but he still feels and understands everything.

The situation in the family will be deposited in the child's subconscious and will further affect his life (in particular, the relationship with his future wife or spouse). Every baby wants mom and dad to be near, but the main thing is that they are happy.

One of the fears of a woman thinking about a divorce is doubts about whether she herself will be able to raise her daughter, son or several children to her feet. It's actually not as scary as it seems, and many mothers deal with it. If the husband loves the kids, he will definitely be able to agree on their joint upbringing.

Unfortunately, there are also fathers who do not want to take responsibility and help their spouse in any way - in this case, you should not think about divorce. There is no need to hesitate even when the husband has an alcoholic or drug addiction, a passion for slot machines, or he raises his hand against one of the family members.

In the end, you need to stop deceiving yourself and wait for your spouse or circumstances to change. On the contrary, maternal instinct should protect babies from unhealthy family environment and give them and herself a chance to be happy.

How to explain your decision to children?

The decision to divorce is not easy, but the explanation with the child is even harder. Before starting a conversation, it is worth preparing yourself for different scenarios. If the relationship with the spouse does not work out, but at the same time he is a wonderful dad, it will not be easy for the baby to accept the situation. In the case when the reason for the divorce is alcoholism or the tyranny of the father, children may even be happy.

It is important that two parents talk to the child, explaining that they will continue to love him, and with dad they will regularly see and spend time together. You should not deceive the baby and promise that nothing will change. Another important aspect is to explain to the child that he is not the reason for the separation of mom and dad. Such thoughts often haunt children after their parents' divorce.

It is best if the decision is presented to the child as reciprocal. At the same time, one cannot look for the guilty and talk among themselves in a raised voice. By entangling the child in disagreements and putting pressure on each other with his help, parents inflict irreparable trauma on him.