Life throws unnecessary people away from us. How to get rid of "toxic" people

: If you throw it into boiling water, the frog realizes the danger and will jump out of the pot. If you heat the water gradually, the frog will not jump out and cook. The message is clear: in everyone's life there will always be people who interfere, portend trouble and harm when you try to become better, but they do it so carefully that you may not notice the danger.

Such people - let's call them "toxic" or life-making people - can hinder your progress for a variety of reasons. Perhaps they think that you will not stay in their life if you succeed. Perhaps they feel that their flaws will be more visible against your background. Or maybe they just don't accept the very possibility of change.

But root causes are far less important than the direct impact they have on you. Their anger, resentment, manipulation, or cruelty undermine your strength. At any moment you can find yourself among life-poisoning friends, relatives, colleagues, who, consciously or unconsciously, impede your happiness and personal growth. To feel good and to be happy, it is important to identify such people in your environment and learn how to manage the emotions that they cause in you.

So let's discuss how to recognize toxic people and how to navigate the complex process of getting rid of such people. Your future depends on it.

How to know if someone is poisoning your life

There are people who pull you back all the time - annoying, quarrelsome, constantly demanding something, or just repulsive. But such people cannot be called poisoners in the strict sense of the word. They are just unpleasant personalities. You want to keep a close distance from such people, but there is no urgent need to delete them from your life.

There is a great variety of people poisoning life. On the one hand, your old school friend who keeps talking about how little time you spend together now. On the other hand, there is an ex-girlfriend who can still manipulate you into seizures. Your friend may just be annoying, but your ex is most likely poisoning your life.

Of course, you will have to decide when to just keep your distance, and when to erase the person from your life. Your sister may have more patience than her colleague, but sisters and colleagues are different.

Now let's talk about real ill-wishers - infecting people who control your life. Let's list a few classic signs of people poisoning their lives.

1. They are trying to control you. It may sound strange, but people who cannot control their own lives often seek to control yours. Their poisonous influence is manifested in attempts to control others, both explicitly and secretly, by subtly manipulating.
2. They don't respect your personal boundaries. If you constantly tell someone not to act with you in a certain way, and he still continues, most likely this person is poisoning your life. Respect for other people's boundaries is natural for an educated adult. And the people who poison your life benefit from breaking boundaries.
3. They take, but give nothing. The ability to take and give is a pledge. Sometimes you need a helping hand, sometimes your friend, but you take and give in equal measure. But not with people who poison your life - they will take from you everything they can, and for as long as you have enough.
4. They are always right. They will always find a way to stay right, even when they are not. They rarely admit that they screwed up, made a mistake, or expressed themselves in the wrong way.
5. They are insincere. This is not about exaggeration, face saving, or other types of "white" lies. This refers to explicit and repetitive dishonest behavior.
6. They love the role of the victim. The people who poison your life take pleasure in acting as a victim against whom the whole world is. They are looking for a reason to be offended, offended, ignored, although in fact they do not feel anything like that. They like to make excuses, give seemingly reasonable explanations or completely deny their guilt in what happened.
7. They don't take responsibility. Part of it comes from a desire to avoid responsibility. “It's just that things are as they are,” “We are not, life is such” - phrases illustrating the attitude of poisoners to life.

Doesn't it remind anyone? People who poison your life can go unnoticed for years. Until you stop to reflect on your experience with them.

Now let's talk about how to get rid of such people.

Why is it so important to get rid of the people who poison your life?

It is very rare when ill-wishers completely hinder all your attempts to change for the better, but this also happens. Basically, they slow down your progress.

The main thing is, do you want to have a person in your life who actively prevents you from making your life better?

The answer is, of course, no. It may be hard for you to accept this, but only until you realize the impact his company has on you.

Under the influence of the person who makes your life poisoned, you may reconsider an important decision. You may feel sad, uncomfortable, and openly ashamed of yourself. You may even adopt not the best qualities of the poisoners, for example, start to envy someone else's happiness. Because all people who poison their lives have a common feature: they want you to become like them.

More often than not, we simply do not realize that someone else's behavior is poisoning our lives. If you have such a boss, then you understand how it works: his behavior makes you irritable and embittered, you lash out at your subordinates, then the employees begin to conflict with each other more and more, and then transfer this irritation to your friends. And before you knew it, the poison had already spread.

How to get rid of people who really poison your life

1. Accept that goodbyes can be long. Removing toxic elements is not always easy. If the person did not respect your personal boundaries before, he will not respect them now. He may come back even after you tell him to get out. You may have to say this several times before he finally leaves for good.
2. Don't feel like you have to explain something. You give any explanation rather to yourself. Tell us how you feel, but in a way that makes it clear that this is not a subject of discussion. You can do it even easier: gently and calmly tell the person that you no longer want to see him in your life. How much or how little explanation is needed is entirely up to you. Different relationships require a different approach.
3. Speak in a public place. It is not surprising that the people who poison your life can be conflicting or even cruel. Public conversation can significantly reduce the potential for conflict. And if something goes wrong, you can get up and leave.
4. Block such people on social media. Technology makes it harder to distance yourself, so don't leave an open window through which ill-wishers can terrorize or persuade you. You have defined your boundaries. Stick to them. This includes preventive measures, such as limiting contacts on social networks.
5. Don't argue, just assert new boundaries. It may seem tempting to plunge into arguments and conflicts with the people who are poisoning your life, but this is exactly what they want. If they are trying to come back, avoid discussion. Be clear about your boundaries and then end the conversation. You are not trying to convince the person to leave you alone. This is not a negotiation. So, as they say, don't feed the troll.
6. Consider keeping your distance instead of breaking completely. Remember, we talked about a person who can hardly be called poisonous to life, but nevertheless he is unpleasant to you? Such people do not need to be completely erased from your life. You just need to keep your distance by dividing the time for communication with them and for your personal affairs.

Doing all of the above is not always necessary. It all depends on the specific situation. Sometimes it's enough to just make a decision and increase the distance, especially when it comes to friends and colleagues, it doesn't require a serious conversation. Remember that you do not have to explain anything to anyone. You can simply slowly and imperceptibly disappear from a person's life in order to stop feeling its toxic effects. Relationships with people like a fire: stop throwing food on it, and it will go out by itself.

But there is one scenario when you have to act differently. It's about relationships with blood relatives.

What to do if the person who poisons your life is a member of your family

There are no simple recipes and standard answers that will suit one and all.

Breaking up with a baneful relative can be the most important break in your life. Family directly influences your thoughts, behavior, choices. But relatives are not your owners simply because of blood ties. Kinship is not a license to ruin your life. Remember this.

This is why increasing the distance between the person who is poisoning your life and you is the best solution, no matter if it is physical or emotional distance.

But in the case of relatives, you have to make some concessions. You can distance yourself emotionally, but you need to be aware that you still have to interact with this person (for example, meeting at holiday dinners or caring for your parents together). To keep your distance, you will have to learn to separate practical activity and emotional component - you will agree to take part in this person's life when you really need it, but do not let him negatively influence you.

It is especially important for family members to make informed decisions. So ask yourself: What kind of return do you get from your family members? How are they going? Can you actually completely cut off all ties with a relative who is poisoning your life? You can answer these questions and decide that you need to end the relationship irrevocably. Or you can adjust your behavior according to the situation. The main thing is to find time to think about what is happening and the possible consequences of a wrong decision.

It is not easy to erase a family member from life. But this may be the most important liberating decision you have ever made.

What is the most important thing in getting rid of people poisoning your life? This is a message to myself. You say to yourself, "I have value." You put your happiness above other people's problems. And once you realize how some people can destroy your sense of self worth, it will become more difficult for them to penetrate your life.

You yourself know that the moment has come. For several months in a row, you suffer from communication with a person who poisons your life, and you cannot bring yourself to part with him. You are so much connected ... Yes, and there is simply no strength. But at the same time, deep down, you are sure that nothing good will work out for you. Change may seem daunting, but there are several ways to let go of the person you no longer need without being overwhelmed.

Appreciate yourself

The society is of the opinion that everything around is more important. You should pay attention to others and only then - to yourself, if you have time. But wouldn't it be better if everyone took care of themselves, shared the love and kindness that fills him from the inside, and did not try to extract from himself emotions that he does not feel? Enjoy the joys of life - it fills you with life energy that will force you to surround yourself with worthy people who are ready to support you.

Spend time with yourself

Being alone can seem like a daunting idea to some. Many people don't even stop at the mirror for long. You are so busy changing yourself that you forget who you are and what makes you special. You are trying to fit into someone else's box. Take some time, just sit down and let your mind relax. Think about what kind of people are worthy of being around. Become your own best friend if you want to have those around you who appreciate and support you.

Change your point of view

From time to time you need to assess your living space with a detached gaze. If there are people around you who are hurting you, try to face the truth - they can be dangerous for you, stress simply ruins your health. It is better to look at life differently - think what qualities are important to you in the people around you, and do not put up with those that you already have.

Determine your level

If you start to appreciate yourself, you rise above the old circumstances. Many people around you will remain at the same level. Be prepared for this - define your boundaries. If your friends prefer not to change, acknowledge your right to live a different level of life. There is no arrogance or negativity in this, just all people are different, and everyone chooses for himself how to fill his days, what emotions to live with and with whom to communicate.

Find a useful replacement

When you get rid of the people who have ruined your life, you will need to find those who will turn out to be replacements that can bring something positive into your existence. Look for them yourself. Do you like to dance? Sign up for a course? Are you dreaming of mastering the pottery craft? Find a hobby group. As you develop your own interests and aspirations, you will find that there are many people around who are ready to share them with you and support your endeavors.

Find a teacher

Every day you try your best, but still every now and then you don't know what you can do to make tomorrow a better day than today. Find yourself a life teacher. This is the one who will give you the tools with which you can let go of bad habits and thoughts and replace them with more fruitful ideas. A qualified professional will be the best support on the way to improve your life, with him you can overcome even the most critical moments of your existence without suffering. This can be a psychologist, motivation specialist, trainer.

Find motivation

If you have ended a difficult relationship, you will need support. The same goes for the situation when you are just preparing to change your life. Read Dr. Brown's books, watch inspirational lectures online. The knowledge of specialists, embodied in a convenient form, will fill you with motivation and self-confidence, you will be able to continue your difficult path. Just take a little time and carefully read the books devoted to this difficult issue - the experience described in them is time-tested and can be incredibly useful for you.

Spend time with your family

If you decide to get rid of friends who poison your life, you should be more close to loved ones. Accepting the love of relatives is much better than trying to escape from this relationship. This will help you understand that there are those nearby who deserve your attention much more than your life-poisoning acquaintances. Try to be with your family as much as possible and appreciate every moment you spend together.

Keep a diary

When you are alone with yourself, take notes. Write about everything. Few things can help you deal with all your thoughts and desires better than paper and pen. You will clear your head of suffering and be able to start living a more positive life. You will quickly sort out your relationship, learn to be more honest and be able to be more honest with the person whom it is time to let go.

Take a break

Many people around you have been around for too long. If you take a break, you will be able to better assess your attachment and more calmly figure out what positive qualities you initially saw in this person and how much that first opinion corresponds to reality. If you are around, you will be tormented by regret, the gap will be prolonged and become unbearable. Respect yourself and the person you want to part with. Give yourself a time of freedom, let yourself just breathe fresh air and take a fresh look at what unites you - mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically. A good thought-out break can change a relationship or help it end without drama.

Communication is an important component of human life, without which a person, as without food and water, would simply perish. Establishing contacts with other people is both a physical and a psychological daily need due to the evolutionary development of a person. Communication allows us to feel in demand in society, relieves emotional stress and gives a feeling of satisfaction. Filling life with people who are suitable for himself, a person surrounds himself with comfort and harmony. Meetings with others, on the other hand, poison our lives and take up precious time. In this case, the question arises: how to exclude unnecessary people from life in a humane way, while remaining a well-mannered and decent person?

How to recognize an unwanted person in your social circle?

Unnecessary people are found quite often in our life and for a long time occupy a certain place in it, skillfully disguising themselves as close friends and good acquaintances. We spend most of our time on them, which we could spend with true friends and loved ones, do what we love, or simply devote ourselves to a well-deserved rest. It is not difficult to calculate such people, since their behavior is usually characterized by the following situations:

It is best to get rid of such pseudo friends, since over time they become an unbearable burden that pulls you to the bottom. Their problems miraculously turn into your worries, and communication with them becomes unbearable.

The best way to stop communicating with someone is to just start ignoring them. In order for an obsessive friend to stop paying so much attention to you, you need to isolate yourself from him as much as possible and hide your initiative of communicating with him in a distant box. Don't call, write, or make appointments. Of course, the most polite way is to stop communicating gradually and just over time reduce your communications to nothing. It's good when a person understands everything and reacts to your behavior in kind, but what to do if, for example, you have to see each other at work every day? In this case, psychologists recommend using some tricks:

• Learn to say no.

Whenever a request contradicts your desires or capabilities, provide a reasoned refusal. Keep your assignments a priority: "I cannot fulfill your request, as I must finish my work first." "I am too tired today and I have no desire to do the work for you." "I'm sure you can handle this yourself." "Let's discuss this later."

• Simulate being busy.

Actions are a great addition to words. If you notice that an unexpected guest is approaching your office, you need to depict a telephone conversation. Discuss work issues as long as the person will be in the office. Shrug your shoulders and show that you are very busy and, unfortunately, do not have time to talk. You will see, you won't have to wait long. Literally in 10 minutes you will be able to get rid of the bother and the person will return to their workplace.

• Lack of facial expressions.

In a conversation with a person, do not show your interest and goodwill. Just listen calmly to the narrator, without asking provocative questions that can continue the monologue. When there is a pause, take a moment and end the conversation by returning to completing your tasks.

• The mirror principle.

Build your behavior with a person on the same principle as he behaves with you. In this case, one should be guided by the phrase: "What you radiate is what you get." Use his words and imitate in his actions, and then the person will surely understand what the problem is.

• Point to the door.

If the employee's monologue cannot be stopped in any way, then during the conversation, get up and slowly walk towards the door. Show with all your appearance that you are going to leave, the interlocutor will follow you. When you both come to the door, open it and say that you will be happy to continue this conversation, but a little later. Now you can follow your colleague with a joyful look.

In any case, when you say goodbye forever, you must clearly understand that there may not be a way back. You can use a variety of methods, but first you need to talk to the person. Share your feelings with him and give him the opportunity to explain his behavior. Form sincere and reliable relationships with people and surround yourself with only positive and vivid emotions.